NaBloPoMo 11.17 - Remembering Riley

It was late in the day when I realized it had been two years since I'd lost my Riley. The following two weeks were so tough for me. Hell, it was tough for months. There were several days I couldn't bear to go up to my empty apartment so I slept down in the carport in my car. When Riley's ashes were delivered, I sat on the floor, stroking the velvet box, crying.

Slowly, I got used to him being gone. I knew his face wouldn't be in the window as I walked up the stairs, but I looked anyway. I stopped checking the cat food aisle for his favorite 'treatsies' or new toys. Tossing out his cat bed was so difficult; it was so final. Every once in a while, I expect him to jump on the bed and curl up in the crook of my knee. I miss that a lot. I miss him a lot.

Every single day I consider getting another cat. Every single day I tell myself "Not yet." My sister had found a little chihuahua up for adoption and called me immediately. She text me pics of the adorable little guy. I had to say no, it was too soon. Will I ever get another kitty? I don't know.

Now, I'm smiling...thinking of the fun and laughs and silliness. One day, Riley got his head stuck in a plastic grocery bag and couldn't get out of it. He looked like a superhero running around the apartment with this 'cape' trailing behind. My friend Z shared a great story - she had 'Kitty Camp' while I was on vacation. She said Riley and her 2 cats, Cheebs & Petey, had daily steeplechase races around her house ~ over chairs, around tables, under beds and sofas. They would stop, briefly, each looking at the other...then they'd be off again! Z said that was some of the most fun she had watching those characters. She had no idea where the energy came from nor how they could sustain it. Good times with good friends :)

Riley, little guy...Mama misses you.

Riley - 2 Weeks

It's been 2 weeks without Riley. A very rough and tough 2 weeks.

Riley & I moved into this apartment together; this is the first time I've been alone here. Yeah, I expect him to be belly-up at the door when I walk in. Or, his face in the window, meowing when coming home late. I really miss him at night - cold nights in particular because he'd curl up on my feet and I'd be warm.

Had a chuckle last night while reading a magazine. Any time I'd read a book or magazine, Riley would jump onto the bed and stretch across the pages as if to say "If you've got time to read that, you've got time to pay attention to me!" I had a pic on my previous cell phone of Riley's paws wrapped around my Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince book. Too funny looking at that.

Most of his stuff has been cleared out ~ bowls, scratching posts, treats, meds, food, litter. Was caught off-guard when the bathroom door swung all the way back to the wall. Forgot it went that far without a litter box! I did keep a couple of things: his kitty bed, the feather & mouse toy on a stick and a ball of yarn he was unraveling. Sitting at the computer right now, his bed under my feet, I half expect him to start biting my toes...

Almost everyone has asked if I'll get another cat. Right now, my answer is NO. No! No! No! I couldn't go through that again. Told my friend Sarah that I would rather have stuffed animals; have no problem being known as the crazy old stuffed animal lady.

The decision to put him down was the right one. I know it. Doesn't make it easier.

Riley

He was a gift from my roommate, Peggy, for my 30th birthday. We sat in the living room, watching him prance and stumble about, calling out names to see which one suited him. When I said 'Riley' he turned and walked toward me.

Riley was soooo little - 8 weeks. He couldn't make it up the stairs; he tumbled down them. He would curl up with Daze, Peggy's cat; they'd groom each other; steeple-chase around the house.

Peg told me Riley was a girl. So, for several weeks it was all "she she she" or "her her her." When I took Riley to Dr. Moon's office to get fixed, he said "Mama, Riley is a boy. How do you not know if your baby is a boy or girl?" He chuckled. "If it was a human, I could tell! How can you tell on a cat?!" The office staff laughed. Poor Riley had a complex his entire life because I couldn't stop calling him 'her'!

Today, Dr. Winter told me Riley has a tumor growing behind his eye. It's causing his eye to bulge out (which means broken bones) as well as impede his breathing. The diagnostic estimate was $4k; treatment would be a completely different estimate. I was floored. I called J, asked her to come to the clinic - I couldnt' function nor think rationally. She did...asked all the detailed questions about the tests, the surgery and long-term for Riley. Dr. Burbridge said with home treatment, Riley would have 1-2 months of not-good quality of life. I could not do that to him. He was already suffering quite a bit.

I sat with Riley in my lap, kissed him. I kept apologizing. I put him back in his carrier box, leaned in for a kiss - he gave me one; then he head-butt my hand - his signal for love & attention. I walked out.

I will miss him curling up in the crook of my knee. I will miss the face-pawing - his way of waking me up. I will miss his little face in the front window when I come home from work. I will miss his belly-ups. I will miss his head-butts.

I will miss you, Riley.