Tuesday, February 17, 2009

you say you want a resolution, well, y'know...

I stopped making resolutions in 2007. At that time, I chose to set "goals" ~ which made it easier to be vague and somewhat non-commital. "I want to be a better person" was my favorite. What does that mean exactly? What does that entail? I hadn't a clue. It sounded good. It definitely sounded goal worthy.

As 2008 was winding down and talk of resolutions increased, I found myself really wanting to make serious and significant changes. Although these have been rattling 'round my brain for more than three months, this is the first time I've written them down or said aloud.

I want to get out from under my clutter. I so desperately need to get out from under it. I want my things to have a place other than any available flat surface. I want to live clutter-free. I just have to live clutter-free! In no way is it as bad today as it was nine months ago. In no way is it as good today as it was nine months minus one day ago. I've had a few friends offer help; and while I am totally appreciative, the shame is too overwhelming to accept their help, allow them in. Yeah, yeah, I hear you - get over it. The shame is as overwhelming as the task itself. I've proven this can't be handled by me alone. It just needs to be handled.

I need to be healthy. With my high blood pressure + the recent stress at work, I will die if I don't change my habits. I want to get Work Out Rissa back! I was doing soooo well ~ working out 5 days a week, lowering my blood pressure, fitting nicely into those jeans without Spanx. Then *poof* she was gone. I relaixe exercise is a four-letter word to me. I have to dance or move or do something that isn't called exercise or be held accountable to other people. Well, I'm bringin' Reesie back! A couple of weeks ago, the Fitness Center on the Lot announced an 8-week boot camp. I couldn't sign up fast enough! It's an 8-week program, 3 days a week, 8 people in the group and it's on the Lot. Love it! In addition to the boot camp, I purchased a 3-month trial of Sensa, which I will start tomorrow. Sensa is a weight-loss 'program' which involves sprinkling flavor 'tastants' onto everything you eat. The science behind it is that these crystals work with your sense of smell to trigger the satiating part of your brain to signal your body that you're full. We shall see how this works out...I love my food, so this will be interesting.

Writing! I've started session 3 of Creative Writing. I'm excited to find out what our class goal is (short story, essay, what?!). I finally feel okay with my writing; okay in the sense that I don't have to qualify it before reading it to the class. Doesn't mean I don't do it anyway. It's just nice to be in an accepting place with my writing self.

I want to bring more love into my life. Not just romantic love, but love of myself. I don't have much of that. I love pieces of myself. I want to love myself to pieces.

Love. I've tucked that away for such a long time...mostly out of self-protection. It's much easier to have fun while holding him at arms length. Well, my arm is tired. And, I think, I'm a little more open to love now. Not sure why now or what happened to make me say now. There's been a shift, for sure...like I told Chickens - I've told myself for such a long time that I must have this this and this in order to fall in love, but realized how limiting that is; how unfair to me I am being. So, I'm trying to be okay with lowering the walls (how The Bachelor is that comment?!) and being more open to love without my parameters. I will continue to have my fun, maybe with a bent elbow...

Well, there ya have it. Call 'em what you want...I guess they all add up to me wanting to be a 'better person'