Wednesday, October 31, 2007

feeeeelings...whoa whoa whoa feeeeelings

The email from a few weeks ago, still has me reeling. I've lost 2 friends and am left with a swarm of emotions. I've sent texts, emails and a birthday card. Other than the terse "need space" retort, I've heard *nothing* ::insert crickets::: So, I am dealing with each emotion, one by one. Facing it, feeling it and letting it go (if I can). These feelings are all right below the surface and I'm a mess. I want to cry and scream. It's like a break-up. Ugh.

Since I can't talk to them, I'll talk to you. No rhyme or reason, really...just a rant, random ranting. Some will be easier than others...

frus·tra·tion [fruh-strey-shuhn]
3. something that frustrates, as an unresolved problem.
4. a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

I'm frustrated by the lack of communication and complete disregard of a (seemingly) solid friendship. I'm frustrated that I can be blasted in a scathing email and when I reply with equal emotion, it's held against me. It's used as the basis of a 'friend' or 'no friend' decision. I understand their personal frustrations with the things going on in their lives - on their own and together. My life is full of frustrations, too! Why is it too hard to ask for help now? Why can't I be the friend that I am, how I know how to be? I'm frustrated by all of these questions. I'm frustrated that there's no dialogue about the friendship ending or about the initial email. I'm frustrated that my head is spinning and these feelings are swirling and I don't know how to deal with them without talking it out. (reminds me of Work It Out by Def Leppard: all of this doubt, we get to work it out. Uhhh, no we don't) How do I just 'let it pass' or whatever. It's frustrating to extend the olive branch and be shunned. I'm not even being met halfway...that's frustrating.

When ya gonna stop banging your head on the brick wall, Reese? Soon, please.

Monday, October 29, 2007

no title seems to fit

Three weeks ago today, I got a puzzling email. It was a highly critical email of me, my friends and our friendship sent from another friend. This touched off a flurry of responding emails, replies to responses, sidebar emails to individuals and, in its wake, left 3 friends hurting.

I didn't respond immediately. I was a swirl of feelings, my head spinning and I can be mean & say hurtful things when like that. When I did finally reply, there was enough of a balance of me being emotional and me being rational in the email. Or so I thought.

This friend and his wife have now stopped communicating with me. And I am heartbroken. Now I'm left to deal with these emotions, face them, feel them and then release them without explanation or discussion with the friends. With no communication, I can only draw the conclusion that the friendship is over. I'm incredibly sad. Angry. Shocked. Surprised. And hurt more than I probably know. For the first few days, I wondered what I could possibly say to make things 'right'. As time passed with no communication except for a 'I need space' email, I wondered what THEY could possibly say to appease me. Saying nothing to me now, speaks volumes.

I get crap thrown at me, then called insensitive.