Wednesday, October 31, 2007

feeeeelings...whoa whoa whoa feeeeelings

The email from a few weeks ago, still has me reeling. I've lost 2 friends and am left with a swarm of emotions. I've sent texts, emails and a birthday card. Other than the terse "need space" retort, I've heard *nothing* ::insert crickets::: So, I am dealing with each emotion, one by one. Facing it, feeling it and letting it go (if I can). These feelings are all right below the surface and I'm a mess. I want to cry and scream. It's like a break-up. Ugh.

Since I can't talk to them, I'll talk to you. No rhyme or reason, really...just a rant, random ranting. Some will be easier than others...

frus·tra·tion [fruh-strey-shuhn]
3. something that frustrates, as an unresolved problem.
4. a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

I'm frustrated by the lack of communication and complete disregard of a (seemingly) solid friendship. I'm frustrated that I can be blasted in a scathing email and when I reply with equal emotion, it's held against me. It's used as the basis of a 'friend' or 'no friend' decision. I understand their personal frustrations with the things going on in their lives - on their own and together. My life is full of frustrations, too! Why is it too hard to ask for help now? Why can't I be the friend that I am, how I know how to be? I'm frustrated by all of these questions. I'm frustrated that there's no dialogue about the friendship ending or about the initial email. I'm frustrated that my head is spinning and these feelings are swirling and I don't know how to deal with them without talking it out. (reminds me of Work It Out by Def Leppard: all of this doubt, we get to work it out. Uhhh, no we don't) How do I just 'let it pass' or whatever. It's frustrating to extend the olive branch and be shunned. I'm not even being met halfway...that's frustrating.

When ya gonna stop banging your head on the brick wall, Reese? Soon, please.

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