Friday, March 07, 2014
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
"As we all know, grief is not a hole that gets filled in; it's a hole with a shoddy trap door on top. Mostly you can walk across it okay, but every so often, you fall in. Again." - Lisa R.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
I snapped this pic somewhere between London and Los Angeles, I was restless, having trouble sleeping. I slid the window shade up and saw this. It was clear and bright - and I didn't even have my glasses on! There's so much out there to see, experience, live. And I'm going to find it.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
I've been mourning the loss of a friendship this week. I feel incredibly sad and truly feel the loss in my soul.
Since the spring, communication slowed then ceased. I called, emailed, texted and all efforts were met with silence. I chalked it up to busy-ness, although in my heart of heart, I'm sure I knew our friendship was over.
In the fall, I endured a very tragic, personal crisis. This was the first friend I called. Silence had never hurt so much. With all the pain, I had to compartmentalize and the friendship was tucked away.
In recent months, I allowed my thoughts to wander to cutting ties. Out of anger, I stopped following on twitter and instagram. Petty, I know. Facebook was the last frontier, so to speak. To me, unfriending on FB is the ultimate 'eff you', the end all. While on FB last week, I discovered I'd been unfriended. Body blow! I cried behind the closed door of my office. I didn't think it was coming to THAT kind of end. Well, I hoped it wouldn't.
I've been mourning and questioning and wondering what the heck happened. I've been reading quotes on friendship. And, encountered a list of "things you should let go this year" posted on some site. One bullet point was 'toxic people.'
Wait. Am I that friend's toxic person? Holy crap! That's hard to hear. I am someone else's toxic person, the person that adds no benefit to another's life, the person that brings another down. Wow. That's harsh. How does one deal with that?
Monday, January 06, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
I had dreams of you. The feeling of you makes me so happy. The feeling of you is familiar and not. I feel safe and loved.
But I don't know who you are.
Who are you? What do you look like? Have we met yet? Do I know you already?
I wonder when love will come.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Several weeks ago, I cried out for help. My world had flipped in ways I never expected. I needed to be strong for others. I cried out looking for someone to be strong for me. Waiting, staring in one direction, help arrived at my side and quietly linked hands with me from some unexpected place.
The first to arrive was CT. She came to me through my compulsive hoarding issues. She's incredibly caring. She's offered help and an ear in the past; it's no wonder she continues to be there for me.
Next on the scene was CP. Completely unexpected coming from some other direction.
I am always surprised and warmed by those who empathize, who see a person, understands a person and decides to connect and share. The notes sent from CT and CP moved me, brought me to tears.
Thank you both very much. Very very much. xoxo
Sunday, October 06, 2013
Up at 3a. Turned on the Brady Bunch, fell back asleep and awoke at 8:30. Ah, sleep. Set several small goals/tasks to complete this week and will tackle that list in order to keep myself occupied and my mind busy. And there's football :)
Saturday, October 05, 2013
Slept really well last night. Sad most of today but got out and ran errands and such. Taking a day off this week to see my therapist. Wish I could make two appointments that day because of all the issues. Hope it helps to share just a little of this. I need the outlet. I need to quit feeding my feelings.
Friday, October 04, 2013
Slept well with sweet happy dreams. I'm using a great sleep monitor app called Sleep Cycle. It measures your movement during the night which determines your sleep quality and deep sleep.
No late night feeding of feelings. Writing truly helps me. And I enjoy writing so very much! Something I should pick up again.
Typing this on my iPhone. Sucks more than iPad typing. Ugh.
Found out my 80 year old Dad texts. And prefers it to talking on the phone. Weird. Also good to know.
Going to see a counselor next week. I'm killing myself with worry and fear and this excessive eating needs to stop and I can't do it alone.