Wednesday, November 20, 2013


Several weeks ago, I cried out for help. My world had flipped in ways I never expected. I needed to be strong for others. I cried out looking for someone to be strong for me. Waiting, staring in one direction, help arrived at my side and quietly linked hands with me from some unexpected place.

The first to arrive was CT. She came to me through my compulsive hoarding issues. She's incredibly caring. She's offered help and an ear in the past; it's no wonder she continues to be there for me.

Next on the scene was CP. Completely unexpected coming from some other direction. 

I am always surprised and warmed by those who empathize, who see a person, understands a person and decides to connect and share. The notes sent from CT and CP moved me, brought me to tears. 

Thank you both very much. Very very much. xoxo

Sunday, October 06, 2013


Up at 3a. Turned on the Brady Bunch, fell back asleep and awoke at 8:30. Ah, sleep. Set several small goals/tasks to complete this week and will tackle that list in order to keep myself occupied and my mind busy. And there's football :)

Saturday, October 05, 2013


Slept really well last night. Sad most of today but got out and ran errands and such. Taking a day off this week to see my therapist. Wish I could make two appointments that day because of all the issues. Hope it helps to share just a little of this. I need the outlet. I need to quit feeding my feelings. 

Friday, October 04, 2013


Slept well with sweet happy dreams. I'm using a great sleep monitor app called Sleep Cycle. It measures your movement during the night which determines your sleep quality and deep sleep. 

No late night feeding of feelings. Writing truly helps me. And I enjoy writing so very much! Something I should pick up again. 

Typing this on my iPhone. Sucks more than iPad typing. Ugh.

Found out my 80 year old Dad texts. And prefers it to talking on the phone. Weird. Also good to know.

Going to see a counselor next week. I'm killing myself with worry and fear and this excessive eating needs to stop and I can't do it alone.

Thursday, October 03, 2013

But It's Not Going to Stop Til I Wise Up

For four of the last ten days, I've gone to 7-11 at 2 or 3 in the morning, bought a pint of ice cream, gone home and then sat in bed, feeding my feelings, shaking, scared and crying. There are things going on around me that a) I have no control over and b) am not prepared to deal with and c) not equipped to deal with. I feel helpless and scared and all of these things I can't describe and I never thought of myself as a control-freak but I'm recognizing that feeding my feelings is my way to control something in the midst of chaos. Sometimes I just need someone to listen and all the time I feel who will do that? It's the stuff *I* place on my friendships - don't want be a burden or a bother or interrupt or whatever excuse comes up. It's bullshit, as my friends have told me. And yeah it is bullshit. It's a problem, I know. And I know how to resolve that and get to healthy again. I KNOW IT. I feel heavy, weighed down with worry and frustration and fear as well as weighed down by weight. The blog post title comes from the Amy Mann song Wise Up from the movie Magnolia. I don't know how I came across the song but I did and started singing right along with her, crying. It really isn't going to stop til I wise up. I really need to find someone to talk to, who will let me cry. Just let me cry and not eat ice cream. Typing on an iPad sucks.

Monday, September 09, 2013

2013 Nautica Malibu Triathlon

It was 4:05 a.m. when I joined the line of cars at the Zuma Beach entrance. The gates were scheduled to open at 4:30, but the line was moving steadily. By the time I parked, it was 4:20. My two goals for the day: live and finish safely. In my car, under the cover of early morning darkness, I prayed. After several days, the huge knot of fear in my belly had not subsided; it still rolled around. "If you're going to vomit, best to do it now." I thought. I didn't. Spotlights and tail lights flicked on around me as participants gathered belongings and made their way to the triathlon staging area. I fell in behind a group of young volunteers who complained about the early morning call time. I found the WB tent and part of our tri team. The flurry of tent activity made me anxious, so I moved toward the water. I could hear it. I could smell it. I couldn't see it. I tried to imagine perfect conditions - calm, inviting - and prayed the light would show just that. A couple of teammates came over and asked if I needed help. Questions tumbled out, one right after the other - where do I leave my bag? Where do I go? How do I find my team? Where do I start? When do I start? What do I do? When do I put my wet suit on? What is going on? My patient teammates answered every single one of my questions, peppering their answers with words of encouragement. Good god, I needed to hear that! That really helped to ease some anxiety. I found my relay team in the transition area, had a group pep talk and reviewed the event activities. I was feeling better. I knew what to expect, what was expected of me in the transition and how things were supposed to work. To help ease my fear, my relay teammate introduced me to another WB team member. This was her 2nd triathlon. She taught herself how to swim last year by watching YouTube videos! Holy smokes! I was truly inspired. After the pre-race meeting, I made my way back to the tent to put on my wet suit. I watched the water, noticing the currents and waves. At that time, it wasn't bad at all. The water looked good; kinda calm, almost inviting. Such a tease. Wet suit, swim cap and goggles on, it was time to move down the beach to the start corral. I noticed a woman in a WB jersey, so I called out "Go Team WB!" We introduced ourselves and started chatting. She couldn't have been more calming and encouraging. I felt much better - confident, encouraged, strong, determined. I can do this! I walked into the water to flood my suit, get used to the water (62*) and watch the swimmers. A gal approached and I recognized her from my first ocean swim clinic. We went over the lessons learned, trying to remember do we dive under or over these type of waves? I was concerned that the water was getting rougher. She was concerned that the current was pulling against the way we were supposed to be swimming. The water wasn't calm anymore. I joined the yellow caps of Wave 11, waiting for our turn. 

::air horn::

And, we're off!

I didn't run down the beach. The advice I was given was to stay at the back of the pack and stay to the outside of the pack. Since the currents and waves were breaking/pulling south, I opted to stay on the inside so I wouldn't be pulled too far out or off the north-heading course. I set my sights on the orange buoy and moved towards it. All I had to do was round it and hit the 350 yard straightway portion of the course. This was really hard. It was much harder than I expected. People splashing and flailing around me. I'm swallowing waves of salt water. This is NOT swimming at the YMCA! I lost my bearings, lost sight of the buoy. When I found it again, I started my swim strokes. That's when I felt the leg cramp. I switched to side stroke, which didn't help at all. I called for help. A life guard was on me in seconds. "What's wrong? You okay? Grab the board." I managed to say "leg cramp" as I grabbed the board. I raised my leg and he helped stretch the muscle. "You okay?" I nodded and moved toward the buoy once again. As I rounded it, the cramp was back. I yelled out again and the lifeguard was there in seconds again. He grabbed my leg, my calf was pulsing, spasming. I couldn't make it. I asked him to take me in. I cried and yelled 'FUCK!' as the jet ski took me to shore. 

I sat on the beach, crying. I tried to massage and stretch the cramp away so I could at least stand and walk to the transition area. "Honey, are you okay?" A lady in a purple visor knelt down next to me. "Can I help you?" I don't know where she came from, but she was amazing! She helped me stand and let me lean on her while I walked. All the while she said encouraging things - you're so brave, what a good job you've done, you're a winner, you did it. She pushed me to run up the transition hill and yelled "Way to go!" 

Making my way up the hill, I heard cheering and clapping and encouraging words from the people lining the path. They didn't know me, they didn't know my name. They cheered anyway - "Good job, yellow cap!" I didn't finish. The cheers made me sad.

My relay team spotted me and rushed to our transition lane. Words of encouragement as we made the switch of the timing chip from me to our cyclist. And off he went!

I told my relay runner what happened. He made no big deal out of it - "Girl, you signed up and you showed up. Then, you got INTO THE WATER and tried your best! I would NEVER get into the water. BUT YOU DID!" We hugged it out. A few minutes later, a volunteer came by and handed me a medal. I refused it. My relay runner told me to take it, I deserved it.
I was disappointed the rest of the day. There was so much going on as we waited for the bike to run transition, that I was able to push that feeling aside. Once I got into my car for the drive home, that disappointment took hold. It wasn't until late in the day today that I was able to feel proud of myself. 

I did sign up. I did show up. I did get into the water. I did my best. That's a lot to be proud of.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Corner I've Turned

Since entering my 40s, this is the first year I have not experienced depression or anxiety or regret or had 'what-if' thoughts about my life and my future. Might seem inconsequential to you, but for me this is huge. Honestly, it's a satisfying feeling to recognize this shift. Yay me!

I'm finally looking at what I have instead of what I lack. I have trips to take! I have a list of 'things to do' that need to be moved to the 'done' column! I have concerts to see!! I have friends to meet, friends to make! I have a freaking triathlon to do! I have life to live!

Maybe I won't wake up on my birthday in Hawaii bemoaning what I have/don't have, what I've done/haven't done. But, I will wake up on my birthday, counting my blessings! (and gray hair and wrinkles - that outta keep me busy!)

Monday, April 08, 2013

I Am Torrid!

Last month, Torrid gave some fashion bloggers a peek behind their curtain. And, I was there. Lucky me!

Torrid offered up a preview of their spring/summer fashions - awesome, bright, denim are just a few of the words to describe what's to come. Florals on tops, denim, jackets. Stripes on dresses - maxi and not-so maxi. Prints, whites, colors!

Fashionistas from near and far were given unprecedented access to designers, buyers and even the CEO! Who does that?! Questions, comments, likes, dislikes were all bandied about in an effort to understand Torrid customers. Most of the discussions stemmed from personal preferences - 3/4 length sleeves, ruched sleeves, cork heels. Some topics - 5" heels in particular - brought about consensus from all. 

The most fascinating person I met was Liz, SVP of Product. Her passion for denim was palpable! She shared her vast knowledge of denim, which comes from years of experience working in the industry for some big names in the world of jeans. Liz and the Torrid team fit test the jeans - every size, every style. Isn't that cool? AND, we learned that each pair of jeans is hand destructed. Catch that? Each pair of jeans is hand destructed! So rad! Certainly makes me appreciate each pair of jeans more.

I was also quite fascinated by the bra guy (totally spaced on his name! - Yikes! UPDATE 04.09.13 ~ Vince! His name is Vince!). Yes. A bra guy. He had a plane to catch, so his presentation was brief. But, boy, did he give us a lot of info! He showed us the new lace demi-bra (GET. ONE. NOW!). Some of the fashionistas did not believe a bra with two hooks could be supportive. Oh, it's supportive! And, lacy and pretty and comfortable and GET. ONE. NOW! Let me say this - it's crazy how two hooks makes me feel even sexier in a bra than lace does.

One of my favorite activities of the day was the photo shoot. What an incredible sight ~ a conference room filled with clothes! Jeans hanging on the wall to the left; shoes, bras and accessories displayed on tables; tees, tops, jackets and such on racks. Kinda heavenly. 

::SIDE BAR:: I am in my mid-40's. I also stand 6'2" without shoes. I've learned to live with too-short jeans and cuffs. It's just a fact of my fashion life. At the event, one of the fashionistas in attendance was seriously rockin' Torrid's rose print jeans. I admired from afar, having already written off sporting a pair of my own if for no other reason than the jeans were too young for me. ::end SIDE BAR::

The first outfit I picked out was pretty much the same thing I wore to the event ~ tee + blazer. I put it back on the rack and grabbed one of the fabulous Lords of Liverpool lyric tees. Super soft material, slightly oversized and quite eye-catching, I couldn't resist. With a Bowie lyric to boot! I knew this shirt would join the other 2 tees already in my closet.

I was ready to go! But was stopped by Torrid team member, Nicole. She wanted me to try on their oh-so-popular Stiletto jeans. I told Nicole that I had tried them on but, alas, they were too short. The zipper detail at the ankle (well, it was on my calf) prevented cuffing. So, Nicole brought over the rose print denim. I put 'em on, great fit, a bit short, but able to be cuffed. I confessed that I was much too old to wear the jeans. She did that you're-kidding-me-right head tilt thing and was persuaded to keep them on for my photo shoot.

By the time my photo shoot and interview were finished, I was in love with the jeans. After the event, I sat in my car and ordered a pair online!

I met some fun and lovely and fashionable ladies ~ what a great group of gals to share the day! WE are Torrid :)

Thank you, Torrid, for including me in such an incredible event! 

Check out the video...

Saturday, March 16, 2013

It Just...Happened

On Thursday, I did something completely out of character.

I registered for the 2013 Nautica Malibu Triathlon. No, that's not a typo.

For a year or so, I've watched friends set and achieve fitness goals - mud runs, marathons, 5K, 10K. I wanted to experience that celebratory high, too. But, how? Doing what? Running isn't for me, I've got boobs and bad knees. I couldn't think of anything fitness-related that didn't involve running.

A work email notified me of an info session for the triathlon. A friend competed on a work team last year, so I knew I could register for one leg of the swim/bike/run relay. Swimming is the only portion that would work for me - low impact is good for the knees, whole body workout, boobs to keep me afloat. Win win!

I attended the session. Painfully obvious I was the least fit person in the room. All of my questions were answered. More importantly, most of my fears were allayed. I didn't have a team, but was assured that swimmers are always needed.

I left the info session feeling good, fairly confident I'd be registered for that triathlon by the end of the month. Walking into the cafeteria, I ran into my pal Marco. Turns out, HE did the tri last year on an HR team. This year, his team lost their swimmer. And, just like that, I'm on a triathlon relay team.

I start a 16-week training program in May. I'll start my own training with a coach in the next week or two. I'm excited and nervous and ready to do this!

Come September 8, I'll be swimming a half mile in the water off Malibu CA.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

New Mommy!

Two years ago, I brought a vintage Chanel to her new forever home. Things have been wonderful, though we hit an initial rough patch with trying to integrate and incorporate her into my world. Now, it's all smooth sailing and blue skies!

That being said, I felt confident enough to open my home to another girl. I'm happy to share with you my newest edition. Please welcome Fleur de Lis!