Thursday, October 03, 2013

But It's Not Going to Stop Til I Wise Up

For four of the last ten days, I've gone to 7-11 at 2 or 3 in the morning, bought a pint of ice cream, gone home and then sat in bed, feeding my feelings, shaking, scared and crying. There are things going on around me that a) I have no control over and b) am not prepared to deal with and c) not equipped to deal with. I feel helpless and scared and all of these things I can't describe and I never thought of myself as a control-freak but I'm recognizing that feeding my feelings is my way to control something in the midst of chaos. Sometimes I just need someone to listen and all the time I feel who will do that? It's the stuff *I* place on my friendships - don't want be a burden or a bother or interrupt or whatever excuse comes up. It's bullshit, as my friends have told me. And yeah it is bullshit. It's a problem, I know. And I know how to resolve that and get to healthy again. I KNOW IT. I feel heavy, weighed down with worry and frustration and fear as well as weighed down by weight. The blog post title comes from the Amy Mann song Wise Up from the movie Magnolia. I don't know how I came across the song but I did and started singing right along with her, crying. It really isn't going to stop til I wise up. I really need to find someone to talk to, who will let me cry. Just let me cry and not eat ice cream. Typing on an iPad sucks.

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