Monday, March 24, 2014

47 in 37: Kids

A friend/co-worker stopped me this morning, asking how my countdown to 47 is going. As much as I'm getting to be okay with 47, I feel Teenage Rissa is coming 'round, too.

All of the things I expected to have and all of the things I expected to be by now, hurt a little less when I say them out loud. I've written these things down several times. But, rarely have I said them out loud to others. And that sat with me all of the day.

Look, I know I don't want kids. I'm good with kids and I love kids. I just know kids are not for me. Over the past several years, I've told myself it's because the kid-having window is closing. I still had time, if I wanted time. I could still flow freely in and out of that window. Yet, I've known in my heart of hearts having kids is not for me. I held onto the thought for so long because I felt marginalized by those who have kids. "You don't know love until you have a child of your own!" Hey, thanks. THAT doesn't hurt. Nodding and saying "Some day..." is much easier to say and easier to handle. Now, it's much easier to admit the truth. OK, I lied. It's becoming much easier to admit the truth. Out loud. To others.

:sigh: Realizations are heavy, man. In your head, they are one thing. They are a completely different beast when you've said them and they're out there.

I had a whole lot more written...I'm just not ready to share all of it. This is too much - even for me.

So, tell me - what good/funny/loving thing did your kid(s) do today?

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