Monday, June 11, 2007

just a thousand reflections of my own sweet self, self, self...

in-tro-spec-tion [in-truh-spek-shuhn] - noun

1. observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.

2. the tendency or disposition to do this.

Surprisingly, my name isn't listed in the definition.

Many sleepless nights recently due to introspection. Nothing new, really...I turn in first, journal like crazy until I get some semblance of a 'grip' and then work it out externally. Usually, this helps. Not this time.

Work is my quandary. Only recently have I discovered what truly makes my heart happy and have started pursuing jobs in that arena. What, you ask? Overall, I'd categorize it as Community Outreach. Volunteering, being a part of the Youth Mentoring Connection and A Place Called Home via the Mentoring program at work truly make me happy. I feel fed...I feel so happy, with such a full heart and soul. I started look for opportunities late last year. There are a couple of departments which handle community outreach for the studio. They're small departments, so if anyone leaves, the spot is typically filled by someone within. People in key roles who can help me are well aware of my interest. The pursuit eventually had me looking outside of the Company :::gasp::: I interviewed for a role at Nickelodeon, which, by the job description, sounded excellent. However, the reality of the job was more like party planner. I was also not prepared to take such a huge pay cut - the work and money didn't seem balanced. They went with another candidate, so I had nothing to really consider.

Last month, a position opened up at the place where I do the bulk of my volunteer work, the Downtown Women's Center ( I sent my resume, cover letter and became very excited about the possibility of doing what makes my heart happy. I was called for an interview, which went well. Then called back for a second interview, which I couldn't tell at all. As much as I love to chat people up, an interview panel (5 on 1) rarely shows me at my best. I muddled through, at one point nervously (read: incessantly) chatting about random stuff not even remotely associated with the question. Good grief, where's the MUTE button?! A week or so after that, I received the process update/status and salary range. I was saddened to find a) the process had been opened up to consider more candidates, and b) the high end of the range is considerably less than my current salary. I had to ask the question: is this the next step for me in order to do what I want to do? Hence, the quandary and introspection. So many questions...and not many answers. I wasn't offered the job. And part of me thinks I won't be. I'm perfect for the role. I am! I can do the job and do it well. And is that enough to take a pay cut? Can I live on the salary? I would be happy and fed. Is that enough?

I guess a Sidebar is needed: I am thoroughly happy in my current job. Make NO mistake about that! I am trusted, I am liked, I am part of a team which is supportive and encouraging and fun. I participate actively, I contribute regularly, I've been positioned to be the 'go-to' girl for our employees and I know my shit. My role, though limited in title, is much more expansive in scope than one would think. I am appreciative to no end because my team trusts me, and in turn, so do our employees., do I shift my focus? Do I concentrate on my role and contributions here, moving in/up/around in this Company, if possible? Or, stay in my current job, content and looking?

(insert The English Beat: In this at least you're just like me, I think we think too much).

Seriously. Don't even get me started about love!


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