Monday, April 02, 2012

B is for Birthday

In less than a month, I'll be 45.


I sing this song every year ~ woe is me, I'm , I haven't done this, yada yada yada. I'm singing, again. But this time, with feeling.

Before turning 40, I was depressed. It was a tough birthday, tough number to wrap my head around. All of the things I thought I would have accomplished by that age had not happened. It was tough reconciling my 18 year old thoughts and dreams and plans with my 40 year old reality. Eventually, I worked through it.

One of the things I was truly bothered by was that I had no kids. I told myself even at 40 there was plenty of time left to have kids. Nevermind that I was traveling quite a bit. Nevermind that my disposable income was going directly to Nordstrom. Nevermind that I'm a compulsive hoarder. That stuff didn't matter because I still had a chance, the window of opportunity was still open.

I'm now thisclose (if not closer) to 45...and that window is now thisclose to closing forever. I know my situation hasn't changed much ~ I still travel, I'm still a hoarder. In my head, it's completely logical. In my head, I've convinced myself I don't want children; it just wouldn't work for me. In my heart, I still hold close those 18 year-old dreams of family. I'm so sad and I can't stop it.

Birthday. Boo.


iSteve said...

It's funny how the grass is always greener. I have kids. I love them, but I feel my lifes been on hold or the last 15 years bringing them up, and will continue to be on hold for another 15 getting them through difficult times...

Reese said...

You said iSteve - the grass is always's tough to get over an idea you've held since childhood.

Here's to you and 15 more loving years!