Saturday, February 15, 2014

Mourning

I've been mourning the loss of a friendship this week. I feel incredibly sad and truly feel the loss in my soul. 

Since the spring, communication slowed then ceased. I called, emailed, texted and all efforts were met with silence. I chalked it up to busy-ness, although in my heart of heart, I'm sure I knew our friendship was over. 

In the fall, I endured a very tragic, personal crisis. This was the first friend I called. Silence had never hurt so much. With all the pain, I had to compartmentalize and the friendship was tucked away. 

In recent months, I allowed my thoughts to wander to cutting ties. Out of anger, I stopped following on twitter and instagram. Petty, I know. Facebook was the last frontier, so to speak. To me, unfriending on FB is the ultimate 'eff you', the end all. While on FB last week, I discovered I'd been unfriended. Body blow! I cried behind the closed door of my office. I didn't think it was coming to THAT kind of end. Well, I hoped it wouldn't.

I've been mourning and questioning and wondering what the heck happened. I've been reading quotes on friendship. And, encountered a list of "things you should let go this year" posted on some site. One bullet point was 'toxic people.' 

Wait. Am I that friend's toxic person? Holy crap! That's hard to hear. I am someone else's toxic person, the person that adds no benefit to another's life, the person that brings another down. Wow. That's harsh. How does one deal with that?

1 comment:

Elizabeth Kuyper said...

I feel you, and certainly appreciate your honesty in writing about such things. It's what held me back in not writing on my blog.
I had something very similar happen with a friend (well, former) in England. And now I'm currently on the other side, trying to let go of a toxic person who is clueless... and I struggle with how much to divulge as I don't see the point, as she, unlike you, is not willing to look to see where her responsibility is.
I'm sorry it's caused you such pain, and admire that you are willing to consider your part - which makes you a better person, not a toxic one. :)
How do deal with that? You do things that make you feel good; you reach out to friends you value, and you know value you. You write.
And you receive virtual hugs from those who can't give them to you in person, until they see you next time. *hugs*
And a nice cuppa, a bit of sun and fresh air and deep breathing is good too.