Saturday, August 07, 2010

I'd much rather listen to my iPod

In one week, I have heard the phrase 'listen to your heart' a dozen times from half a dozen people. This morning, I heard the Roxette song of the same name while driving the 405, returning home after a trip to LAX. Sign, sign, every where a sign! So, I decided to sit and listen to my heart.

The buildings, the pool are deserted. Strange for a Saturday. Is it a holiday? I wondered. It is almost back-to-school time, but there are no kids to go back to school in the building. Enjoy, don't question, the silence.

I drop my feet into the pool, brief shock of cold ripples through my body as the water ripples from my movement. Be still. Listen to your heart. I fidget instead. I flutter my feet in the water. Anything but still. So, I sit and listen to the sounds...

window slides open...motorcycle revs, tires screech out of a driveway...a telephone rings...MY telephone rings...Burbank Blvd traffic...dishes in a laughing...a gate clanks closed...

And then, silence.

I wait. And, I wait. Red rover, red rover send Rissa's thoughts right over! These thoughts and feelings come up. Afraid, I push them back. I don't want to do this...I know what the answers are...and I know I will have to do something about them when (if) they are out.

I sit still again. Ten minutes of fidget. Ten minutes of stop and start. Ten minutes of silently wishing my phone would ring or for a friendly neighbor to stop and say hello. No such luck.

Again, I sit still. These thoughts and feelings come up. Afraid, I let them out. Oh, how I want to chase after them, like bubbles and dandelions, pop them or blow them far, far away. Oh, how I want to chase after them, gather them up and put them back. I don't. I let them tumble out and let myself look at them.

2 very distinct thoughts return to me, circle around then return to my head, my heart. I am very aware of these thoughts, they are nothing new. They are, however, quite surprising. They are much clearer, more defined to me now. And, I'm not so afraid to pursue them.

OK, that's a lie. I'm terrified! Ha!

"Hi Rissa! Isn't the water cold?"

The still. It's over.

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