10.6

Sunday.

Up at 3a. Turned on the Brady Bunch, fell back asleep and awoke at 8:30. Ah, sleep. Set several small goals/tasks to complete this week and will tackle that list in order to keep myself occupied and my mind busy. And there's football :)

10.5

Slept really well last night. Sad most of today but got out and ran errands and such. Taking a day off this week to see my therapist. Wish I could make two appointments that day because of all the issues. Hope it helps to share just a little of this. I need the outlet. I need to quit feeding my feelings. 

Friday

Slept well with sweet happy dreams. I'm using a great sleep monitor app called Sleep Cycle. It measures your movement during the night which determines your sleep quality and deep sleep. 

No late night feeding of feelings. Writing truly helps me. And I enjoy writing so very much! Something I should pick up again. 

Typing this on my iPhone. Sucks more than iPad typing. Ugh.

Found out my 80 year old Dad texts. And prefers it to talking on the phone. Weird. Also good to know.

Going to see a counselor next week. I'm killing myself with worry and fear and this excessive eating needs to stop and I can't do it alone.

But It's Not Going to Stop Til I Wise Up

For four of the last ten days, I've gone to 7-11 at 2 or 3 in the morning, bought a pint of ice cream, gone home and then sat in bed, feeding my feelings, shaking, scared and crying. There are things going on around me that a) I have no control over and b) am not prepared to deal with and c) not equipped to deal with. I feel helpless and scared and all of these things I can't describe and I never thought of myself as a control-freak but I'm recognizing that feeding my feelings is my way to control something in the midst of chaos. Sometimes I just need someone to listen and all the time I feel who will do that? It's the stuff *I* place on my friendships - don't want be a burden or a bother or interrupt or whatever excuse comes up. It's bullshit, as my friends have told me. And yeah it is bullshit. It's a problem, I know. And I know how to resolve that and get to healthy again. I KNOW IT. I feel heavy, weighed down with worry and frustration and fear as well as weighed down by weight. The blog post title comes from the Amy Mann song Wise Up from the movie Magnolia. I don't know how I came across the song but I did and started singing right along with her, crying. It really isn't going to stop til I wise up. I really need to find someone to talk to, who will let me cry. Just let me cry and not eat ice cream. Typing on an iPad sucks.