NaBloPoMo ~ Home XXX

Took 40 books to the office this morning. Every single last one of 'em ~ including 3 Jackie Collins novels ~ were taken. Yay! Lots of thanks from those looking for summer reads; and a few comments about how I'm a well-rounded reader. Nice to know the Jackie Collins books were overlooked.

It's been 30 days...30 days of struggle, 30 days of rolling emotions, 30 days of tears, 30 days of sorting and disposal and cleaning and purging and learning and growing.

It's been 30 days of hard work, determination, changes. 30 days of successes.

Thank you thank you a million times thank you for your words of support, encouragement, private "way to go!" messages; and thank you for following me this month and throughout this process. xoxo

Ladies and gentlemen...I present to you all my apartment!

I feel for you...I think I love you

No matter what my girl Lys says about me + fashion, that girl has a fabulous eye! Not to mention equally fabulous fashion taste.

The other day, she blogged about a Christian Louboutin clutch.

Oh. My. Heavens. Take a look at this:

~ Helloooo Lover ~

How delicious is this clutch?! How absolutely gorrrr-juss is this clutch? I know, I know - it's a flippin' clutch; it's a little purse. Tis true. It's sexy and luxurious and totally worth the $795.00 price tag. I'm serious. In my mind, it's *totally* worth it because I can't fit into CL shoes (well, at least I can't until I have the 'surgery') and this bag has the classic tell-tale 'signature' ~ the red! ::shiver:: Did you look at the clasp? Did you? Look at it. I'll wait. G'head...

Uh huh - it's a pair of shoes! How darling is that?! Holy crap!

I want this bag. I crave this bag.

Dear Christian Louboutin clutch - I feel for you...I think I love you.

Girl of 100 Lists ~ 7 songs (II)

In her recent blog, my girl @Moneke tagged me. And you know me ~ never back down from a tag! Funny thing is, I filched this particular meme in May and now it's back.

Instructions:

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

I am so random and weird when it comes to listening to music. What I'm listening to isn't necessarily 'shaping' my spring/summer; it's just stuff that sounds good, puts me in a good mood or is seriously rockin' my world.

May I present to you, My Seven (Prince is ringing in my head: "Oh seven and we'll watch them fall..."):

"Crazy" by Ray LaMontagne ~ I am in love with this cover! Thanks to E-Rich for turning me on to this song. I've known about Ray LaMontagne for a little while...and this cover of the Gnarls Barkley hit is so powerful and poignant. (hit the 'play' button next to the song to hear it - worth it)

"I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry ~ '...the taste of her cherry chapstick...'

"Tears of a Clown" by the English Beat ~ one of my all-time favorite songs by one of my all-time favorite bands! This song is so much fun when played live :)

"Everybody Get Dangerous" by Weezer ~ I can NOT stop listening to this damn song! It's Weezer! WTH?! I know. I don't care. This song rocks my face off!

"Hypnotize" by Notorious B.I.G ~ Ever since I heard this song in PhilaPA hangin' with Rome and Lys, this song has been in my head, on my iPod, in my ears. Something so incredibly smooth about this song...and, of course, my favorite line: "Timbs to my hooligans in Brooklyn" and I don't even know why!

"At Seventeen" by Janis Ian ~ I heard this a few weeks ago on Yahoo radio. I've always been attached to this song, related to this song. I think it's incredibly heartbreaking to those of us 'lacking in the social graces' and perhaps a bit silly to those who don't. I'll admit to having this on my iPod and to sniffling a bit each and every time I hear it.

"I Will Possess Your Heart" by Death Cab For Cutie ~ is this emo? I don't even know WTF emo is! But if it's this song? Damn skippy I'm with it! This song...I don't even know what to say! I love this song! Totally on par with the She Wants Revenge song "Tear You Apart".

There ya have it!

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XXIX

:::sharp inhale:::

I can't believe I'm doing this.

:::slow exhale:::

Before...to the right of my front door, the view as soon as you walk in the front door and the middle of my apartment...

*These are the only pictures I'm comfortable sharing. Well, that's a lie. I'm not comfortable sharing these at all.

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XXVII and XXVIII

Aww crap! I did it again.

I went out and forgot to post for the day. Crap! However, I have a good excuse.

The English Beat! And, of course, Dave Wakeling.

They played at the Hollywood Park Racetrack last night. Good times, good times. $1 beer before 9 o'clock. $1 hot dogs all night long. A lot of people out at the track enjoying the races and the gorgeous June evening.

Upon my arrival, I ran into Antonee and Fernando (toaster and sax, respectively) - one was waiting for the 5th race, the other in line for beer. Antonee bet on the race, choosing a couple of good horses; but he went exacta and lost - even though the horses he chose won and placed. We almost convinced ourselves to walk over to the casino...

Show was good - always a good time with the English Beat. Reggae singer Eek-a-Mouse came onstage and performed a grrreat reggae/ska jam with the guys. Totally fun! Afterwards, talked PR and such with Dave Wakeling; talked life and such with Wayne; then said my good-byes to one and all. I won't see them until the end of July as they embark on the Rockin' the Colonies tour with the Alarm and the Fixx.

Today. Ah, today. I took two huge boxes to the shred bin at work. Damn, I had a lot of paper in this place! Then I hit Target, K-Mart and Anna's Linens looking for new sheers for my front window, cafe curtains for the bathroom and other assorted goodies for my apartment.

K-Mart had the sheers I wanted - sheer voile bright white and sheer box weave ivory - but not in the length I needed. Turns out, that size is no longer available. This boggles the mind! The 63" panels are the shortest any store carries (2 Targets, K-Mart and Anna's + target.com and kmart.com) - grr. I bought the longer length, will try to adjust somehow. The combination of the box weave and the sheers looks very nice. I like the muted tones...the color splashes will come later.

I've been looking for the flatware my Mom had when I was younger. I have one spoon from the collection - Escapade; would like to add to it. I found 2 sites with the pattern but not enough to make a setting for 4. No matter - I bought the pieces anyway! I have a set of flatware from Martha Stewart's collection that I abhor. The handles are cheap; well the whole set is poorly crafted as the handles pull away from the metal, which bends much too easily. This prompted me to look for the family flatware from years gone by...

Going out tonight with my work buddy, CJ - dinner, margaritas and a show - "A Tale of Two Sissies" starring THE Micah McCain, whom I love and adore.

It's almost over :::squeal:::

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XXVI

Been looking at mattresses and beds online for over two weeks. All the description info is a foreign language - blah blah coils, yada yada foam, blah blah something something something. Light bulb finally went on: hey Einstein, can't buy a mattress online.

Stopped at Leeds Mattress on the way home tonight. Hooked up with Spencer the Salesman and dude totally took care of me!

"OK. I may be unrealistic - not sure. But, here it is: I need a mattress, box springs, bed frame, delivery, removal of my mattress & box springs, I'm a side sleeper and want to spend $800 or so. Unrealistic?"

"Not at all!"

Spencer the Salesman showed me four mattresses; I loved 2 of the 4. He shows me the differences in each mattress, explains the coils and foam and something something something. Ever the dutiful customer, I nod and say "Mm hmm" at strategic points in his conversation.

He shuffles off to his computer, tap tap tap, laughs and comes back.

"I can do that one for $785. I can do this one for $1,000 out the door."
"Shut up."
"$1,000.00 done."
"Mattress. Box springs. Bed frame. Delivery. Set-up. Removal of my mattress and box springs. $1,000.00."
"Yes."
"Done." Yay!

It'll take a couple of days for it to be brought from the warehouse ("There won't be any snakes in the box springs or mattress will there?" He laughed. I was serious.) and delivery could be made for the 4th o'July weekend. But, I'll be in Santa Barbara at a wedding. So, delivery is scheduled for Tuesday, July 8. Yay!

I already have brand new sheets.

And I'm ready to break it in.

Yay!

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XXV

Beautiful note & flowers from apartment building owners & manager regarding the progress I've made on my apartment, decluttering and hoarding problem. ::sniffle::

I have two boxes of stuff to take to work, toss in the shred bins. I also have tons of books to take to the office, labeled "Summer Reading" and hope someone takes 'em. If not, Plan B - donate to the public library.

Pluggin' along...still need to get rid of more clothes. I know, I know. I really do have an insane amount of clothes. I'm a hoarder, people! It's what we do.

I am proud of myself; and still harbor some of that shame and embarrassment. It is dissipating. It is! I am not allowing myself to keep it; I'll feel it...then let (some of) it go.

Thank you all for your support, encouragement and everything. Seriously. xoxo

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XXIV

Ohh, you'll like this one...

I scheduled an appointment to have 'We Clean America' clean my apartment this morning. They were due between 7:00 a.m.-8:00 a.m. Finally jumping out of bed at 6:30, I was convinced I had 30 minutes to shower, shampoo and shine. I was completely finished by 7:02 a.m. - not bad! At 8 o'clock, I get a call: "Hi, we're about ten minutes away." Of course you are! Ugh.

Now, most people I know who use a cleaning lady/person/crew typically clean the house before the housekeeper shows up. I don't get that. If she's coming to clean my house, she's coming to clean. my. house.

Crew C6 showed up, ready to go. I gave them specific instructions (clean windows, leave radio on, leave A/C on, leave fans on, keep dressing room and bathroom doors open, front door closed) then left for work.

I get home, take a look around: windows clean, window sills not clean; A/C off, fans off, radio off (switched to a Spanish-language station, I might add); doors closed. *sigh* I'm on the phone with The Princess, telling about the cleaning crew, walking through the apartment opening doors, turning on fans, etc. I sit on the bed, listening and surveying. I gasp. "Ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd!" I say it over and over. The Princess is thisclose to driving over. Then I start laughing. Laughing hysterically: hahahahahahahahasnorthahahahahaha *inhale* hahahahahahahahahahahahasnorthaha. "What? WHAT?! Are you okay??" I tell her...

"I keep five things on my nightstand: 2 remotes - TV and stereo, my eyeglasses case, the digital alarm clock and a lamp. The remotes are on the dresser, next to the stereo. The eyeglasses case, clock and lamp are here; but something looks weird. I'm staring at it...staring at it...staring at it...and realize I'm looking at my Winnie the Pooh vibrator on top of the nightstand!" I thought The Princess was going to hyperventilate from laughing so hard. "You can never use them to clean your place again. And you have to boil Winnie then let him soak in alcohol overnight."

Mom was right - I really shouldn't leave my toys laying around the house.

hahahahahahahahasnorthahahahahahaha

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XXIII

Rissa's Top Ten Family Reunion highlights:

10. My favorite cousin dancing a hula in a shirt our Grandma gave her. ::sniffle::

9. Seeing baby Lili for the first time. She's adorable - and she's my favorite!

8. Favorite story Number 2 ~ When my Grandma discovered my favorite uncle had started smoking, she put him in the closet and wouldn't let him out until he smoked the whole pack.

7. Favorite story Number 1 ~ Even back in their day, low trou was the style. My favorite uncle followed the trend, much to my Grandma's dismay. "Fine. You want the neighbors to see your underwear?" She made him walk around their neighborhood in his chonies!

6. Non-family member: "I'm going to get my Super Soaker gun." Me: "No, that wouldn't be fair. We all should use the little water guns." N-FM: "Right. *I* would have the advantage." Me: ::low gravelly voice:: "You are a guest here." He walked away, sulking. ::dusting off hands:: My work here is done.

5. The water guns! Don't know who thought of it, but having the water guns was sheer brilliance. Brilliance, I say! Aunt Patricia passed 'em out during the magician (yes, I said 'magician') and it was ON. How lucky to have my favorite cousin sitting right in front of me! She couldn't figure out who was shooting her. :) Later, we teamed up to fight a couple of N-FMs. Oh what fun!

4. The food. We had a traditional Hawaiian luau ~ including kalua pig. Mmmm mmm!

3. Mom singing my grandparents' favorite song "The Hawaiian Wedding Song" ::sniffle:: But doing so without my favorite uncle ::sniffle sniffle::

2. Looking at all of the family photos, reminiscing, telling stories, laughing and marvelling at the fashions/hairstyle choices (mullets and puka shell necklaces were quite the hit in this family).

1. Spending time with my favorite cousins ~ many of whom I haven't seen in forever (!); all of whom have grown up to become good and good-hearted, fun and funny people.

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XXII

So exhausted, I can barely type this out...sorry, kids ~ I'm finally home and going to bed

::yawn::

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XXI

I'm flying to Sacramento today for a family reunion. Many people dread family reunions. I don't. This is my Mom's family and they are a crazy bunch! We're always laughing, singing and mocking each other ~ good times, I tell ya.

I'm going HOME for a night. And I can't wait.

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XX

Shoes. Omigawd shoes!

'Twas my task to go through - once again - and move my shoes. I have several pairs o'shoes on the racks by my front door; the rest are in boxes above the closet. Not very user-friendly if ya ask me. I will admit: if the shoes I want to wear aren't on the racks, I'll pick a pair that is. I don't have time to pull out the step-ladder and go through each box looking for the shoes I want to wear. I will also admit: my wardrobe isn't planned until it's on me. I'll think about what I'd like to wear the next day; but that usually goes kaput when my idea of what it looks like meets the reality of what it looks like.

Anyway, back to shoes. I pulled the boxes out, set 'em up in the living area; pulled all of the shoes off the racks by the door, set 'em up in the living area as well. Then, I tried 'em on. Yep - each and every pair! Carefully considering each pair, the decision was which pile the pair would end up in: Keep, Keep - winter shoe storage, or Give to @moneke. Lucky @moneke ~ four pairs (3 never worn!) are set aside for her!

This wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong - it was still tough! I got caught in a moment, choked then called my Mom. She talked me off the ledge. I proceeded. Experienced a few more moments...and made my way through with direct messages from @moneke.

Project:Shoes was a success ~ winter shoes are in a storage bin; summer shoes are in/on the racks by the door or in boxes above the closet!

Yay me!

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XIX

Worked late.
Came home, walked right out of my shoes and clothes; leaving them in the middle of the floor. I grabbed a beer and sat down to chill out.

It's been two hours and the clothes are still in the middle of the floor. Before, I would have stepped over the clothes pile or added them to an already existing pile or left them, therefore starting a new pile.

I'm not going to do that anymore.

Once this post is published, I'm putting the shoes back in the box and back above my closet. The clothes will be folded or I'll hang 'em on hangers.

Wow - What a difference clutter-free makes!

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XVIII

The more I read about compulsive hoarding, the less ashamed I feel. The more I talk about it here, the more people respond - many people know someone who is a hoarder. These shared stories are comforting. I honestly feel so alone with this; yet knew there had to be others. I'm glad the shame is dissipating. Somewhat.

I looked at my list from the other day; decided to start in on it. It was overwhelming in no time.

This is what happens: I start with one thing - let's say the first drawer of the dresser. Easy enough to go through one drawer. I look at it, pick up one thing - let's say t-shirts. Well, I want t-shirts to go there; but there's stuff there already. So, I move to there and start to clear it out. I look at it, pick up one thing - let's say books. Well, I want books to go over here; but there's stuff over here already. And so on and so on...get the picture? This is what I deal with each time I look at a drawer or cupboard or storage space or area of my room. A simple task becomes ridiculously overwhelming like that ::snap::! I'm not sure how the whole list thing is gonna work out.

I did more laundry tonight, tossed and bagged up more clothes. Three more baskets to go + sheets & bedding. Got plans for the rest of the week, flying out to Sacramento on Saturday, back on Sunday then tackling the next apartment project.

I'll keep you posted...

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XVII

Sometimes I wonder if I'm
Ever gonna make it home again.
It's so far and out of sight.
I really need someone to talk to
And nobody else
Knows how to comfort me tonight.

Today was a bad day for me. I was rubbed the wrong way by just about everything that came across my desk and by everyone who called, emailed or walked into my office. Some of the irritations were completely warranted (read: stupid people asking stupid things). Some of the others were not. I was miserable all day.

It's at times like this when I need nothing more than to be comforted by my Mom. No talking, explaining or anything from me; just my Mom and some comfort. I'll see her Saturday, along with a lot of family members as I'll be at a reunion. No matter: I just need my Mom.

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XVI

I've realized my problem - I have no plan.

I have a plan for and vision of what my place will look like. I do not have a plan for how to get there. And it's what I need to do.

The enormity of decluttering is completely overwhelming for me. I keep saying it because it keeps being true. I've made a list of things I want/need - new bed, TV, other things. The list I really need to be making is the list of steps to get rid of the rest of the clutter.

Yeah, it's a lot of talk. There is NO WAY I'm going back to how this place was! So, I'm making a list; checking it twice.

• pare down my clothes even more
• get rid of a lot of books - ultimately getting rid of the tall bookcase
• clear out the dressers so I have space to put stuff
• clear out the closet and storage cupboards so I have space to put stuff
• goal: move clothes from the rack into closet
• make each area of my room functional
• go through the jewelry
• shoes - WTH am I going to do with them?! Where will they go?!

That's all I have down right now. I've decided to allow these emotions to roil and roll inside, dealing with them as it goes. I know I am focusing on these little things as a way to avoid what I need to do...well, avoid the overwhelming feeling associated with what I need to do. It's the little goals I set which will bring the sense of accomplishment.

And that's exactly what I am set to do!

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XIV and XV

Oops ~ I missed a day. No NaBloPoMo prize for me :(

*this post isn't about home but i need to post for NaBloPoMo!*

Met with my therapist yesterday morning. Didn't glean much from the session...not what I wanted to anyway.

After the session, I volunteered at a private event on the Lot. It was a fundraiser for Paul's Brain Trust - a special screening of Blade Runner followed by a panel discussion/Q&A with Ridley Scott and other cast/crew members of the film. The event was sold out - had to set up folding chairs! I was only able to catch part of the movie, bummer. However, I did catch most of the panel discussion. The fans were fanatical - a lot of questions about unicorns and its meaning in the film; so many questions that Ridley Scott had to say "Please - no more questions about fucking unicorns!" Fabulous! After the discussion, Ridley Scott gave a private tour of the backlot where the film was shot - amazing experience for the ten people who won the opportunity. I met and talked to Hampton Fancher, writer of Blade Runner; roguish and quite charming; funny, brilliant and witty.

Got home around 6-6:30 and was completely exhausted! I was ready to crash but had plans. So I dragged myself out...luckily those plans fell through :::phew::: and I ended up having dinner with a friend. Turns out she's in trouble, needs my help. So, we sat at Mo's in Burbank, discussing a plan of action.

Spent today with my Dad ~ brunch at this gorgeous country club. My sister and her kids, my bro and 2 of his little ones...it was such a great afternoon. The brunch spread was incredible and I totally got my grub on :)

I did absolutely no work on my apartment this weekend.

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XIII

Home. But not for long! Heading over to Malibu for dinner and drinks with a friend.

Off to the therapist tomorrow morning and more cleaning and stuff later in the day.

xo,
Reese

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XII

Home.

First - obviously 'home court advantage' meant nothing as the Lakers lost. UP by 24 at one point. {sigh heavy sigh}

Home.

I am having trouble powering through the overwhelming feelings in order to do what I should. And when this happens, I want to curl up under the covers, avoiding everything. I haven't done that yet. Instead, I've been drinking a lot. A lot more than usual; *my* usual. And, I stay online. Just another avoidance behavior I'm perfecting.

Obviously, I recognize what's going. I'm just not stopping it. So...I'm going to see my therapist on Saturday morning. I haven't seen her in, like, 3 years. When all of this came down, I knew I'd be calling her. Only I thought the call would come after the whole process, in order to help me resolve this inner turmoil.

I'm stressing and not stressing. That's dangerous.

NaBloPoMo ~ Home XI

Now that the place is cleared out and cleaned up, I can have the little things in my apartment fixed without fear. Here was my list:

• caulk in the shower
• new toilet seat
• fix the cabinets so they close properly
• new deadbolt

All of it was done this morning. Yay! But, the maintenance guy left the tub dirty. Boo!

One step at a time, I'm getting my act together.

Gotta get the laundry!

NaBloPoMo ~ Home X

I took a break from Home work in order to see a special screening of 'The Dark Knight' tonight. Ohhh, it is effing spectacular!

So, Home will continue tomorrow.

NaBloPoMo ~ Home IX

I don't feel like doing more laundry tonight. Fluff n fold is garnering *serious* attention; getting a majority of the popular vote...

Instead, I'll go through a couple of the boxes Regi & her crew of 2 left me - jewelry, pictures, knick-knacks. These will be very easy for me to sort through. Plus, I'll have the distraction of the drama that is The Bachelorette. Apparently, DYawnAh has a breakdown of some sort which results in tears. The first true emotions I've seen from her since Brad dumped her last season. But, I digress...

I am still too aware of these emotions swirling 'round. However, until my place is actually my place, I have to shelve the feelings and focus on whatever task is at hand. I may have to resort to calling Alice, my former therapist. It's not how I'd like to handle this, but it might be the best way to handle this.

Any thoughts, suggestions, etc. are welcome.

as real as it may seem, it was only in my dream

Last night's bizarro dream was straight outta the movie 'The Warriors' ~ complete with costumes, me being chased, taunted and watched (which I blame wholly on @jacklhasa and @scarab!) and clinking bottles [shiver]...oh geez the clinking bottles!

NaBloPoMo ~ Home VIII

Woke up this morning ready to go! Tons of laundry sat in the corner, awaiting my attention. I knew the best way to handle it was to just go at it.

Sorted clothes - must wash now (spring/summer wear) and must wash at some point this week (sweaters, long-sleeves, heavier fabrics). Completed four loads before 2 o'clock - then quit cuz 2 other tenants had lined up behind me (our building only has 2 washers and 2 dryers). As I folded and put away, I realized I had more drawers to clear out, more stuff to clear out. Sigh.

I really did put stuff in every available space. I can't lose this momentum! I'm tackling as best as I can, wholly realizing I need to be much more aggressive than I currently am.

NaBloPoMo ~ Home VII

Nine bags of clothes.

NINE BAGS OF CLOTHES!

That is what I donated to Goodwill and Dress for Success today.

The Princess & the Wineau showed up this morning with mimosa makings, breakfast burritos from Hugo's, big trash bags and a mind-set of what was acceptable to keep, toss or donate. The Wineau was much more lenient in what to keep (as evidenced by the pile of clothes for laundry accumulated by the time the Princess showed up); the Princess was brutal. Brutal. Which was helpful at times. She didn't understand, at first, just how hard it was for me.

I'm having a dozen pairs of slacks made into bermuda shorts or capris. The pants are too short, yet still fit; it's a brilliant way to get me through the season, perhaps even into fall, while I lose more weight.

The Girls were both amazed at the sheer volume of clothes: tons of button-up shirts, particularly black; sweaters/cardigans, particularly black; capris and t-shirts. Good grief I have a ton o't-shirts! I explained that as clothes piled up in the hoarding process, if I couldn't find it, I would buy a new one. Today, I found a lot of 'new' clothes - stuff I haven't seen in ages. I'm going to have a whole new wardrobe!

I still experienced some anxiety with the Girls here (Riley experienced severe anxiety - he hid under the bed all day). Neither one blinked, both loved the apartment layout and spaciousness; yet I still had the hand-wringing feeling as they moved about. Silly. It was just a lot.

So, some girls/women will benefit from nine bags of clothes. THAT feeling trumps the anxiety.

NaBloPoMo ~ Home VI

Day off ~ yay! Really needed it...too emotional and scattered. Which was a good place to be when tossing out clothes, lemmetellya!

I cleared out 2 more bags of clothes - things I would obviously never wear again. As I move through this part of the process, I must admit to feeling a bit lighter, unburdened. However the weight of the shame is still shackled around my neck.

On a side note: The English Beat play SoHo in Santa Barbara tonight - yay! Rissa is gonna get her happy on :)

NaBloPoMo ~ Home V

I've been writing this blog for two hours. I've posted 'before' pics, 'after' pics...then deleted them. Not quite ready for that.

These emotions are swirling within - shame, embarrassment, fear, disappointment - and they're so powerful, so overwhelming that I can't feel happy about having a clean apartment. I am so ridiculously grateful to Regi, Annette & Eric for coming and clearing out! And I absolutely love the results. However, these negative emotions connected with the way I was living still swirl and consume me. Like the physical clutter, maybe I want to keep these feelings so I won't go back?

I'm unsure how to handle...I think once my apartment is in complete order how *I* need it to be, maybe these feelings will dissipate. If not, I'll need to find some way to resolve and forgive.

Hmm...forgive...don't know if I can. Or should.

NaBloPoMo ~ Home IV

Shared my sordid tale with The Princess and the Wineau last night. I even showed them pictures. God, I love my friends! Neither one blinked when I asked for help with going through the bags of my clothes. Both flipped into 'plan' mode - we set a date and time, set some rules regarding the tossing-out process, made a list of what I'd need (storage bins, clothes hangers, wine, trash bags) and started planning.

So, Saturday...I'm tossing out clothes! This tossing thing will be difficult, fo sho. I know what happens if this gets out of hand, out of control again; and there's no way I can or will let my apartment (or my life) get so consumed by stuff.

Tonight, I brought 2 new dresses into my apartment. I tossed out 3 tops + a pair of shoes for balance. Yay me!

NaBloPoMo ~ Home III

For the first time in a very long time, I slept well. Being emotionally exhausted certainly contributed to sleep; seeing my apartment clutter-free eased my mind, allowing me to rest with one less thing to worry about.

I can't even tell you how wonderful it was, when I woke up during the night, to walk through the dressing room without having to navigate piles of stuff! I walk across the room without turning on the light because I know there's nothing there to trip over. You probably can't imagine what it's like. Hope you never do.

The lists have begun: next steps, re-arranging, redecorating and how to go about it all. First up? Clothes! I have 8-10 huge black trash bags stuffed with my clothes that must be sorted (keep, donate, toss). This is not a task I can do alone - no way! Will ask The Princess and the Wineau to help...which means I have to tell them the whole Sordid Tale...

I'm at that starting point - I can see how I want to live and can begin to do it!

NaBloPoMo ~ Home II

Let's catch-up:
Monday - my compulsive hoarding is found out; threatened with eviction; I spill everything to my friend DB, who helps me start.
Tuesday - I call for help; Regi answers and I meet her at my apt. She questions, assesses, takes pics and arranges to come back on Sunday, tells me everything will be cleaned up and cleaned out in one day.
Wednesday through Saturday - I toss out 4 bags of shoes, do what I can and cry a lot.

Sunday morning, I'm up at 6 o'clock. On shaky legs, with a stomach equally shaky, I look around my apartment thinking I can't recall what it even is supposed to look like. Clothes are piled in the middle of my room as well as on a chair in the corner; shoes are shoved in a shoe rack in an effort to make it look 'clean' (yeah right); books, magazines, papers, mail, bags are piled on every available surface or stuffed into anything empty. There was nothing I could do. I needed a place to start but just could not do it by myself. I sat on my bed, crying and shaking; feeling so desperate and helpless; overwhelmed and without hope. Despite all of Regi's assurances, there was no light at the end of the tunnel, in my mind.

Regi and her crew of 2 (Annette and Eric) showed up at 10 a.m. ready to go. They walked in and tore my shit up. Taking one area at a time, one piece at a time, the 3 of them went through my stuff tossing, packing: DVDs go here, CDs there, shoes up here, books over here, etc.

To my credit, I didn't cry while they were here. I did, however, rock back and forth on my bed, all the while making decisions about what to keep, what to toss. This was so difficult! I didn't - I don't - understand how I've become so attached to things, to these so-called possessions. Saying 'no, toss it out' was incredibly emotional and more than a little painful. I truly wish I could accurately describe my feelings during the process, during the day...for me just as much as for you reading this.

I was embarrassed to have people in my apartment, eyewitnesses to how I 'live' in unliveable conditions. I was shamed and humiliated by so many things. I *am* shamed and humiliated by so many things.

At 5 o'clock, Regi and her crew of 2 left. In their wake is an apartment with a place for everything. And a grateful girl whose life has been given back to her. I sat on the floor - which, I must confess, I hadn't seen for quite some time - and cried. Relief, release and happiness.

I still have a long way to go with a lot of things to left to do.

What I also have is hope.

there's a party going on right here...

I am addicted to Twitter.  Lys hipped me to Twitter several months ago; I just never checked it out.  Once I did?  It was over.  I was done.

OK - don't ask me "What is Twitter?"  I can't explain it.  You just have to check it out for yourself.  All I can tell you is that Twitter is fun, informative beyond belief and is what you make it.  I follow vastly different people ~ social media gurus, fashionistas, PR pros, celebrities, friends and random people I find completely fascinating for one reason or another.

A month or so ago, @gregbarnett and @demca decided to throw a shindig - TweetUpLA (not a meet up; a Tweet up)!  And that par-tay was Saturday night.  Damn!

A group of Twitterers from all over the place got together in Los Angeles to eat, drink and talk using more than 140 characters!  Such fun I tell ya ~ WiFi room with @moneke, PR talk with @tofu916, politics, travel and all things offensive with @treo700 and @jacklhasa (who BTW traveled with @scarab from the Southeast to be with us in L.A.!), music and the benefits of having a chocolate fountain with @drumgit.  @gregbarnett set up a photo booth; brave @slackmistress stepped up for her photo shoot ~ that girl got her "@" on big time!

Great people, fun atmosphere...left there with several new friends and a huge smile on my face.

Check out the pictures!

NaBloPoMo ~ Home I

In the last episode, I confessed to compulsive hoarding, threat of eviction and my breakdown.

The next day and night, I went to DB and asked for help. It was the hardest thing ever! She's a close friend, trust that girl with my life...but to admit this hoarding to her? Fuck. Without blinking, DB dropped her stuff to help me. She didn't judge, she didn't condemn. She sat on the bed, kept me focused, all the while formulating a plan to get this place in order. With every other breath, I thanked or apologized to her. DB, in her warm loving way, said there was no need to thank her or to apologize. Then, I broke. It wasn't even gradual; just hit me. The end. I cried and shook from the embarrassment, the shame of the situation; the disgust, the disappoinment I felt in myself. All of this pushed to the surface and tumbled out.

I made significant progress this week with DB's help ~ shoes, handbags, five piles of papers became 2 stacks. I also called an organizational expert to come in today.

NaBloPoMo came 'round again. For June, the theme is Home. Holy crap if that ain't a big ol' sign! So, I'm confessing and documenting my de-cluttering, re-organizing and such this month. Damn, this is hard.