Wednesday, November 14, 2007

everybody hurts sometimes...

I'm hurting today. I am just aching. And I hate it.

It's been a little over six weeks since the email and the responses it elicited. The responses were followed by follow-up responses, damage-control responses, "let's clear the air" responses, "this doesn't apply to you" responses, private responses, terse "need space" responses and, finally, no responses.

Logically, I know they are not the type of friends I want nor need. Still, my heart is aching. Aching. I'm sad and angry and hurt at being thrown away. I need answers to make sense of it all. These will never come, so making sense never will either.

What angers me and saddens me the most? My friendship - ME! - isn't enough. Logically, that's bullshit. My "therapist" (who works for beer) said "Our expectations of friendship is so low...we all accept each other as we are, so the idea (your idea) that you are not meeting that threshold is ridiculous" I have great friends, GREAT FRIENDS, who do not treat me the way I'm being treated by these other so-called friends. Great friends who allow me to be the person I am, be the friend I can be. It's completely inconsistent. I will not allow others to validate MY value as a person, a friend.

Logically, I know this has nothing to do with me. Emotionally, that concept is foreign; it seems all of it has to do with me.

I've needed to get this out for six weeks. With no opportunity to sit and discuss with the people involved, all of these emotions have bubbled under my surface. I'm letting them out.

I'm letting them go.

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