gonna put it in the want ads

I've been enjoying the joys and pains of online personals ads for a while. I'll sign up with one for a 3-month period, take a break, and then sign up with another. I tried e-harmony earlier this year. In theory, pretty good – match people by personality. Great! Yeah, not so great. Why? Apparently, my personality only matched men 5'11" and under. :::in the best Seinfeld impression I can muster::: Not that there's anything wrong with that. I've dated shorter-than-me men. My preference now is close-to or taller-than-me men. I didn't like not having the choice to choose the height of potential matches. I didn't renew that subscription.

I rejoined match.com a month ago. For me, the self-description portion is tough. One of the questions is ‘What is your body type?’ The options are: slender, athletic, fit, curvy, big and beautiful or full-figured. I selected ‘curvy’ – that one, in my opinion, best suits me. No one told me that in personal-ad speak, curvy is code for big boobs and small everything else. At least Yahoo personals gives the ‘a few extra pounds’ option.

If you're a guy and you do the match.com thing, please read this next bit carefully. PLEASE...I implore you...I beg you...PLEASE read my damn profile *before* you send the email! My screen name is winegirl; one of my favorite places is Temecula Valley wine country; I love a good red wine, especially TV Red from Baily Winery (sensing a theme?). All this is written in my profile.

Along comes an email from "OnlyGdMn4U" - I'm looking for a nurturing, caring, curvy woman who loves to cook and spend quiet nights at home. I don't smoke or do drugs and never touch alcohol. STOP! :::screech::: Did you miss the part where I mention wine? Did you blink while reading my screen name? *Delete*

Let's move on to "skicamptennisdad" in New Jersey. :::rolling eyes::: His email started off on a nice note: I saw your pic and had to tell you how beautiful you are! I love big tall women and you're perfect! If I was cooking dinner in the kitchen, could you come up behind me and pick me up off the ground? That would be awesome! :::screech::: Huh? Does this guy think that's a compliment? Am I to be flattered?

How about MrJB – the last paragraph of his profile requests that if he sent you an email, please be courteous enough to respond, let him know you’re not interested. OK. Cool. Since we match 98%, I sent MrJB an email. That was November 15th.

This afternoon I received an email asking what size shoe I wear. *Sigh* When I send emails, I try to be creative...I actually read the profile and pick out something to comment on. The Land o'Personals isn't always like this. I've met some great men. And actually feel there may be some hope when I send an email and the guy is kind enough to write back to tell me he doesn't think we match. And who says Angelenos are all self-absorbed? (OK, it was me. I said it. I'll amend to say a lot of Angelenos are self-absorbed).

It's tough dating in Los Angeles. I've said it before ~ I live in a city of dwarfs and trolls who want to date Cinderella. And I'm not her. That pedestal is way too high. Even for a tall girl.